PHD Song Reviews

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Creeping Towards Theocracy

Female music critics like this writer are often in a tough spot. Music has long been primarily created, curated, and critiqued by men. Finding one’s voice in such a climate can be challenging, because women (apologies for the gender essentialism) may have tastes in music that do not always align with the patriarchy. Moreover, as a GenX'er who was raised during the heyday of the rock sub-genre that can best be described as "Before Catharine MacKinnon's Work Went Mainstream," songs like Evil Woman, Witchy Woman, Devil Woman, Black Magic Woman, Maneater, and Led Zeppelin's Dazed and Confused ("soul of a woman was created below"), left me with the sinking feeling that maybe men wouldn't be creating music for me.

This mismatch between men’s and women’s musical tastes, and the attempts to bridge the gap, often produce unfortunate, yet admittedly commercially successful, results (see, e.g., John Mayer’s Your Body is a Wonderland). And while this critic does have a soft spot for Maroon Five’s She Will Be Loved, and (full disclosure) got briefly hooked on The 1975's I'm in Love With You (until Matty Healy was canceled for some casual misogyny), it is often songs for women, written and performed by women, that best capture what we really feel and can’t always say. So, cards on the table, this female critic gravitates more toward Billie Eilish's Birds of a Feather, Taylor Swift's Mirrorball, Sara Bareilles's One Sweet Love, and Sia's Big Girls Cry than, say, Blurred Lines or Gold Digger.* 

I took that bias, and a current preference to avoid all reality, into my first listen of the Pill Hill Deans’ menacing new release, Creeping Towards Theocracy. The song reminded me that with a 6-3 Catholic majority Supreme Court, a woman’s body wasn’t just the inspiration for a Sir Mix-a-Lot hit. It’s an Opus Dei obsession that renders us more vessel than person. Baby Got Back, but she sure don’t have rights.

Of course, the Deans did not set out to create a song for women, as the theocracy we are creeping toward surely will affect us all. Dean Obscene and Dean Clean make the stakes for all who want a separation of church and state clear when they intone that this Court isn't just calling balls and strikes, but fighting for a Christian nation, with religion in school and high school football coaches praying at the 50-yard line. And the Deans’ musical style is, in this and all their songs, decidedly masculine, with a detached, deep-bass-voiced experimental electronic quality that is far more Mars than Venus. This likely explains why I initially listened to the Deans’ latest release as if I were watching Kendrick Lamar at the Super Bowl: I knew something important was happening in the music, it just wasn’t resonating with me.

Yet when I listened again, I recognized the genius of the Deans’ new single. The “creeping” in the title implies a secretive, slow slide into a Christian state. The lyrics present with a numbing pace, reinforced by the haunting use of all those "oyezs." The listener is drawn into the song the way most of us were drawn into the current state of the law. By the time you realize what’s happening, the song, like a Christian nationalist coup, has already taken hold. One’s mind is frozen with the enormity of it all. But Creeping Toward Theocracy’s beat breaks through the mental fog—the longer I listened, the more my body moved. And movement is just what we need if we are going to resist living the Handmaids Tale. 

My prior reviews have suggested that the Deans should do more to appeal to female audiences. I was wrong. The through line in the Deans' impressive catalog has been the stories they tell through their collaboration, representing a different kind of masculinity. From the Pill Hill Deans Theme Song, where they talk about coaching girls soccer, to the Legend of Minivan Stan, the Deans are showing up in the lives of women and girls as their fully matured selves, and not angry little boys. Even in Reply-All Apocalypse, Deans Clean and Obscene don't take cheap shots at the neighborhood Karen. They tell a fuller story of a quick to reply-all man who joins her in the breakdown of the fabric of the neighborhood. Creeping Towards Theocracy continues this preference: when they bellow "let's pray/contraception no way," the Deans show their allyship. With music like this, "appealing" to women is unnecessary; there is no need to cover the patriarchy with pandering tunes when your art seeks to step outside the patriarchy altogether.

In this way, the Deans' latest release is not meant as a superficial women’s anthem. It doesn't offer the silly distraction of Shaboozey's A Bar Song. Instead, Creeping Towards Theocracy uses its ominous energy to ultimately express a different kind of affection, one that only comes between citizens who love living freely in a religion-neutral society where all are equal and valued. And none are here simply to secure the “domestic supply of infants.” In this case, to quote Meatloaf, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad. 

So, this Valentine's Day, forget the flowers and give her (apologies for implicit heteronormativity) what she really wants: a nation of secular laws that respect her as the full person the Pill Hill Deans assume her to be. "God Save The United States" indeed.

*In the spirit of being fully honest with readers so that you may have confidence that my reviews are the product of the utmost integrity and professionalism, I should clarify that Post Malone's Circles and LL Cool J's I'm That Type of Guy are indeed on my playlist even though they are songs about booty calls. I regret any confusion about my convictions that this information may cause. And, fine, I will concede that men wrote and performed what are probably two of the best love songs of all time (Todd Rundgren's I Saw the Light and George Harrison's What is Life). This should in no way diminish the strength of my review of the PHD's excellent new single.

D

Vibe-a-lator

The Pill Hill Deans just released another new track, "Vibe-a-Lator," and while you won't be able to actually make out the lyrics, don't let the title fool you. This critic excitedly thought the song might be intended to appeal to fans who menstruate, but alas learned the use of the word "vibe" was intended more broadly.

That being said, and while I have always respected the Deans' approach to connecting with their fans, I wanted to humbly suggest that it may be time for a holiday album, perhaps with a P&T theme? The Deans have never lacked for creativity, but songs like "All I Want for Christmas is for My Professor to Hold Class" and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (and not providing a rubric)" practically write themselves. And for a little whimsy, "It's Beginning to Look Alot Like a Long Meeting" could be enjoyed for years to come. If the Deans wanted something that appealed to grunge-era fans, "Reply-All Service (Christmas) Dirtbag" would do the trick. 

The Deans are nothing if not inclusive, so for international appeal, "Feliz Neverteaching" would be too easy. And lest we forget the Jews, I'd suggest "Dreidel, Dreidel, Deferral" might be a nice gesture.

This critic knows the Deans' innovative process can neither be rushed nor fully understood. For now, and until their next release, I will simply say "Have Yourself Some Merry Little Group Work."

Yours in tempting time wasting,

D

Reply All Apocalypse

I simply must reply all to declare that community Karens will be very displeased by what seems to be the PHD's most provocative work. If replying all to advertise to countless neighbors my fair condition, 17- year-old measuring spoons that I wish to sell for $1.99 is wrong, I don't wanna be right. (And I'll reply all again to clarify that I am including in that special offer my dead uncle's 1970s ski boots.) First come!

Dean Squeaky Clean, you've done it again 

Safety Dance UA

The true gem of the season so far, however, is the most recent release from the Pill Hill Deans, which was a Ukraine-themed reinterpretation of the 80s classic Safety Dance. While Crypto Orgy was set in the realm of fantasy, Safety Dance has the artists engaged with the tragic reality of the Ukraine war, prompting me to briefly fear that this might be the Deans' Bono moment. Fortunately, this was not preachy, performative, virtue-signaling music.

Instead, the Deans set the listener up for the kinds of questions every decent person should ask: Is it OK to move one's hips to a song that references something as serious as Putin's brutal invasion of the democracy next door? Can 80s New Wave save the free world? Why were the Men Without Hats not wearing hats?

After a few listens, the song reveals that it is the perfect vehicle to consider these weighty matters, as the original Safety Dance was a protest song, taking on the dance floor clash between disco and New Wave. It's a song that is about movement, resistance, and the fact that disco dancing was ridiculous. It is a song about freedom. What better way to honor the struggle and determination of the Ukrainian people than with the central message of Safety Dance:

      We've got all your life and mine . . . Everything'll work out right. 

(And also, if your friends do not dance, they are assuredly NOT friends of mine.)

While I will always and forever have a Donna Summer heart, we all know that the safety of Europe cannot be guaranteed by the idiot who put the cake out in the rain in MacArthur Park, and Zelensky and his citizens will not be Stayin' Alive unless the U.S. stops its Jive Talkin' and steadfastly supports Ukraine's defense. For this reason, you should give a close listen to the Pill Hill Deans' Safety Dance and remember that while transitioning to a new dance style is hard, transitioning from democracy and freedom to rule by brutal dictatorship would be even harder.

Crypto Orgy

Just saw this in Rolling Stone:

Last week in music was a big one, with releases from both Taylor Swift and the Pill Hill Deans. While Swift put out a work of petulant, grievance-driven adolescent pop, the Deans with one track created music for grown-ups, beckoning the listener to join a Crypto Orgy with a naughty originality that hinted at both Heaven 17 and the Beastie Boys, and set an evocative scene reminiscent of the Hoodoo Gurus’ I Want You Back video. Whatever is happening at a blockchain bang, I hope everyone is using plenty of hairspray.

The strength of the Deans’ effort is its unapologetically nonconformist vibe, but if they set out to create the next Pet Sounds, Crypto Orgy hit all the right notes. Conjuring a scene of a decentralized, digital dungeon, the Deans use their lyrics to posit a Wouldn’t It Be Nice fantasy of an orgy with no central authority, and they don’t back down from the tough questions that this anarchic lovefest would beg: what does one wear, and who, we wonder, is gonna be there? While this critic has spent enough time on beaches in Mykonos to hope that not everyone is, in fact, there, she is comforted by the fact that the miners at the party will at least have the benefit of anonymity. And either way, the song promises a lot of virus-free blockchain bananas, which beats the real world every time.

The other strength of the release is that the Deans know when to collaborate, and HerKingdom’s contribution definitely puts one in the mood for Good Vibrations. God Only Knows whether Dean Clean is the next Brian Wilson, but not since hearing A Flock of Seagulls’ Space Age Love Song on a cute guy’s mixtape has this listener imagined such intriguing possibilities for fornication. We can’t all be California Girls, but at the Pill Hill Deans Crypto Orgy, everyone gets a little guilt-free bitcoin.